What You Learn About People on Airplanes

I’ve long said the best people watching of all time occurs at the North Carolina State Fair.  Nothing beats sitting on a bench and watching one person after another attempt to balance an entire roasted turkey leg in one hand and an ear of corn in the other while simultaneously devouring a deep fried Twinkie with such haste you’d think they just got done with a week-long fast.

It’s appalling.  It’s entertaining.  It’s the perfect representation of everything that’s wrong with our country.

However, as I write this article on a late night flight from Miami to Phoenix, I’m beginning to question my NC State Fair theory…  On my right is a lady passed out from pounding cheap Chardonnay, on my left is a guy so large his stomach is in the midst of a full-on war with the armrests, and behind me is a lawyer named John whose mouth has not closed for the past 3.5 hours.

By this point, I don’t just know John’s name…  I know his entire life story including his parenting style, where he went to school, how difficult it was to go through boot camp, etc.  Please just shut up already.

Have you ever stopped and taken a look at the people around you on a plane?  You can learn so much about human behavior in the tight quarters of modern air travel.

Here are a few examples:

The Huffers & Puffers vs. the Cool Cucumbers:  A few months ago, I got into a situation with a flight attendant because I switched seats.  There were maybe 15 people on the entire plane, so I chose a seat with more legroom.  She got mad, we argued, I snarked about her dragging me off the plane like United, I finally switched, whatever.  She was so shocked I actually moved that she proceeded to give me G&Ts and extra snacks the rest of the flight.

I’ll let you in on a little secret…  It pays to be nice to airline employees.

The Movie Watchers vs. the Readers:  I’ve never understood people who watch movies on airplanes, especially at 9am on a workday…  To the business guy laughing hysterically at Wedding Crashers…  Don’t you have something better to do?

The amount of time you’re wasting as Vince and Owen dance the night away could be spent preparing for your next client meeting.  Or better yet…  Reading a book!

The Loud Mouths vs. the Independents:  Ohhh back to my dear lawyer friend, John.  On every single flight there is one person who wants the entire airplane to know their problems.  These people are insecure and think 150 other people hearing their commentary will make them more important.  Newsflash:  no one cares.

The Recliners:  These people deserve their own category.  For the longest time, I loathed people who reclined their seats.  I would often sit the whole flight fuming about whether or not they’d like a scalp massage since they were already laying in my lap.

But the more I think about it, the more I respect the Recliners.  It’s a cruel world out there, and the only person looking out for you IS YOU.  If you want to be more comfortable in your ever-shrinking sliver of airplane real estate, by golly recline your damn seat.

It’s your right, and you might as well take advantage of it.

So What?

Usually, I like to end my articles with some sort of profound insight or motivational charge, though I’m afraid this article has no point.

I hope you laughed.  And I hope lawyer John isn’t behind you on your next flight.

Safe travels this Thanksgiving.

See you next Sunday at 8:30pm.  🙂